Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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