Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
