I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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