sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
