um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
