I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
