he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just blew my weed a kiss
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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