I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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