My sheets look like a crime scene.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
