it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
