so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
