In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
