ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
