I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
