ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
