Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
