So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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