you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
they're like a gay fantastic four
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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