I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
