On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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