Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
