my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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