i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
