I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
