You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
