I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
