Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
