Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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