dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
