she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
