Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
