I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me đ
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Liz Cheney wasnât exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying âYAS QUEENâ for in 2021 but here we are
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