I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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