The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
