i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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