Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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