i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
