i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
3pm strippers are depressing
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
