No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
