he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
