in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
