Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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