Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
