I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
as a side note pls kill me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
