Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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