he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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