i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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