Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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