Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
