Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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