I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
