please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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