i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
