I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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