She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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