there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
